Dump Him Like Last Week's In-Classes

Dear Jejune Juliet,
Well, I believe you knew I would say this, but, to humor you, I will state it: break-up with your boyfriend. I realize this remains much easier said than done and that you will surely miss him, however, you need to. It will hurt. You will feel lonely. You may despise me for encouraging unavoidable pain. But, I promise you, it will prove worth it. Separate yourself form the situation and ask if you would approve of one of your friends continuing a completely one-sided relationship. You, hopefully, answered yes and, if not, go back to the fictional Jazz Age and hang out with Gatsby's clan because you have some seriously skewed views about relationships. And you really do not want to end up like them. I mean, Jay himself died mid-swim. So, unless you want to end up floating face down in a crimson stained pool, stop forcing a relationship that should not exist. Although you will definitely experience some post-breakup sadness, you will heal and can fill the void with other forms of love. You may believe you need this guy in your life, but I can guarantee you that you will turn out fine and, most likely, a hell of a lot happier in the end. You really need to just Zumba or dirty dance your way out of this relationship ASAP. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Ms. Seresnky
Advice Columnist
DiCaprio's Devoted Chairman
The New York Times

Marry Me, Bridesmaids

Let me start by stating that I generally do not enjoy movies, and I have a tendency to try to compensate for this by constantly quoting things but, trade secret, they all come from three movies. Despite a broad cinematic range, I still struggled to choose my favorite film for today’s topic and think we should have had the ability to choose multiple, I mean it’s civil rights, this is the ‘90s. However, after much deliberation, I decided on the modern classic Bridesmaids. I know my young self just winced in pain when I did not remain loyal to the incredible Mean Girls, but how could I not pick Bridesmaids when the first time I watched the comedy it looked into my g****** soul? I will forever stand on the side of humor, though, as we always stay the same, but grow, I guess, a little bit. What originally drew me to the film proved my friends’ constant praise of it, one of them even felt it proved more beautiful than Cinderella, and, after watching it 15+ times, I definitely agree. The film’s brilliant humor and exceptional quote-ability increased my love for the tale, in addition to its uncommon inclusion of a depressing storyline. It's the first time I've ever seen a comedy seem ugly and that makes me kind of happy. After my first viewing, I knew I would always remain hooked, and my parents eventually gave into the constant remarks of “Help me, I’m poor!” and bought me a copy. That is when the addiction really kicked it. Why would I not watch it every weekend after that? I mean, it’s for free! I also used the film as a source of renewable entertainment because, I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school, but that is not the case. They threw fire crackers at my head. Fire crackers. I mean literally. I’m not saying that figuratively. I got fire crackers thrown at my head. Do you think I let that break me? No. You know what I did? I watched Bridesmaids as much as possible. Thus, my ironic nostalgia for the time of constant Bridesmaids marathons and the movie’s incredible comedic appeal allow it to overcome any possible cinematic opponent. I cannot resist a quality comedy with mostly intelligent punch lines and Bridesmaids provides this, plus a moving central plot. So, to my favorite movie, khob kun Ka (It means "You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and I pray that I never have to.")

Thanks again to Derek Stovenson for the topic! (What kind of a name is 'Stovenson” anyway? Are you an appliance?)